Thoughts of a Dead kid: December 2008

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Afterlife.

Dear Diary,

There i am again. Doped. And I'm not sure if I'm on my right mind yet. but today, today.. I've officially made up my mind about the thing I've been longing to do. I will become a Nocturnal. I don't know where this is going to lead me though. I might end up in the hospital for having ulcer or anemia, or worse, in the mental hospital for being a loony. My parents doesn't consider asylum as a resolution but I have a feeling they're close to sending me there. Auh I am so not going to sleep tonight.

This might cause me a lot of stress, friends (except for the believers. LOL. Vampire believers.) Anyway, I haven't finished Meteor garden. I started to watch it all over again because this is one of the most funniest romance I've ever seen. And there's like someone in my life who looks like Vanness Wu. haha Revin. I told him that. He wont believe me, he said F4 are way better than him. ^^ I used to fancy Vanness Wu back in the days. He's still cool today but Jerry Yan caught my heart this time. ^^ heheh dreamy girl. I just wish I was Shanchai. lol, nah she's too nice almost stupid. If I ever met F4 I'm gonna lure them into a Motel and do what you're thinking I would do. haha! kidding. You wish I'm a fucking groupie. xP I'm so glad F4 fever is over. They've become old and less attractive now. bwahaaha. Which gives me lesser competition. :P

Anyway Im still on episode 18. Darn. My parents are such nag, they just couldn't shut up while I'm watching. They said they're sleepy but they keep on rambling.

They thought I'm depriving myself of sleep and wasting electricity. They couldn't understand it at all. Could you? Nah you don't either. Electricity costs cheaper at night. ^^ From 10pm to 6am I guess. And how could they say Im depriving myself of sleep? I sleep 3am up to 1pm. Count that. That's 10 hours. fair enough, Huaze lei needs 15, thats bogus. Oh, speaking of Huaze Lei, I cant find a subbed version of the Poor prince. I love that show man. Its so funny. :P there's one time I remember, someone asked Lei while he was brushing his teeth, why is he keeping all the foams of the toothpaste and he said they're gonna use it once again. Oh my God. Thats disgusting. He's the thriftiest man I've ever seen. Its too bad I didn't get to finish watching that on TV. *sigh* Its either I wait for that to get subbed or I learn to understand mandarin. ooh that sounds exciting. ^^

Hey I'm excited about this whole Nocturnal thing. =] Let's call it, uhm, how about Twilight? Nah, no way. That word is everywhere these days. Perhaps in a few decades, maybe in 2030, it sure is going to be forgotten and will remain history. A very romantic history. By the way, how old am I going to be in 2030? must be 39 or 40. ew, thats old. I'm gonna have arthritis and rheuma and would rather wish my knees and pelvis removed. lol. ^^ I wonder if I'm still alive by then? I'm such a bad person. I heard God reaps good people earlier. I don't care right now anyway, I'm in a daze. I just wish he wouldn't take me before the time that I figure out what Life and true Love is. (yea I'm stupid i don't know what it is.) Same goes well for the time that I and someone was cherishing it. Y'know? Like if I ever have a son or daughter? Don't kill me during that time God. I don't like having a daughter though. It's gonna be a real pain in the ass. Girls are so troublesome. Son's are too but in a different way because they act normally and mostly smart. You could have proper conversations with them and not worry to much. MY GOD! I sound like a total sexist on the opposite side. what a Judas. haha. But think about it, Jesus, the image of the Christian God, Buddha, even Zeus, all of them are male. I wonder why males rule so much in this world? Mary, after all that she's been, the bridge of God and Jesus, was always one shadow away from the spotlight. I feel discriminated as a female. We're the ones having menstruation every month, bearing children, taking care of children, we have boobs too w/c are annoying and for some very heavy. lol. I kinda envy boys for being so carefree with their actions. Perhaps, its the ancient people who set this all up. They made gods male because they don't like females. I have proof you know? Don't they not allow females to vote back them? I would definitely take a rally if I had lived back then. Yea perhaps we're viewing these 'GOD' things in a different angle. like we're at the hypotenuse but were suppose to be at the congruent or adjacent y'know? Yeah. We should keep our views open, about the religions, with the exemption of Marilyn Manson and the rest of the satanic bands.

Anyway, let's go to my death part. I've always been thinking about it. I wonder how God is going to reap me? Or is there really a God? Is there really heaven, hell or purgatory? Would there be paradise? Would I live once again in other being w/ an amnesia about my life right now? Or would I become an Invisible wonderer in this world aka ghosts? hehe thats sounds cool. I could ride plane for free, travel everywhere, go to Antarctica, ride roller coaster 24/7, go inside the Lion's cage, sleep beside Jerry Yan, meet other ghosts, see people naked at the bathroom. lol. ^^ If dying would only be as cool as that. ^^

I had also thought of Reincarnation. Its cool too. But some things bothers me. Like what if I become a cockroach on my next life? God knows how I hate roaches, and he'll turn me into the very being I despise.

Maybe I should try being a good person then He'll turn me back into a human my next life, or any of more intelligent being. That's probably why He reap good souls first. And that's probably why Police are compelled to let criminals live. Right yea its on the tablet he gave to moses. Do not kill. He didn't say don't kill humans, or animals. Just stay clean. Yea what a smart guy. He's had it all planned it all a long time ago.

There's been an that lingers round my thought as well. I hate to break this to anyone, but what if we die and our soul never really leave the body? I know right? Its horrible. I'm not surprised this thought wasn't very much considered as a possibility. Yet, who knows? what if when you die, no matter how killed you're body is, like hearts' dead, brains' blown up, and skins' all burnt, what if we could still think? What if we could still feel sadness, anger? Man, I'd be scared to die. Maybe I'll stick to the Reincarnation thing. I'll try to be a better cockroach. though seriously, if would be asked what I'd like to be, I'll prefer Lions or any big cat.^^ haha. They're awesome. Being a cockroach's gonna suck. You have to live in a dirty dark hidden places, eat papers, food remains, you have to take care every time you walk out your house because of your size, even the sight of you makes people wanna kill you. What a horrible life they have, being the most disgusting creatures on earth second to porn stars. I wonder if roaches are ashamed of themselves? they must be angry at us. The ones flying around at night *shivers* are psychopaths. Kill.Kill.Kill.

My God I wont let myself be like that. If I ever become one of them, I'd try myself to encourage them, live a clean good life. I would tell them not to forage anymore at humans' stuffs. I'm going to lead them to the woods and we'll change our lifestyle. We'd be classic. Do you think they're going to follow me? haha. They might think I'm absurd. Traveling to the woods is difficult enough, changing lifestyle must be ridiculous. But no matter how, I'll try. And if one day, there at the news you see "COCKROACHES MIGRATING" then, reincarnation is true yay! Tell them, there is Jessa the cockroach trying to make a difference. lol

I wonder what would my parent name me then? I've always wanted Ville, or Rev, or Zacky. *sigh* my name's kinda annoying me, people always call me Jessa Zaragoza. wtf. She's done porn movie right? that singer? & I saw her on a calendar, She's a pin-up girl. Moving on. Hey I'm going to have sibling if ever! wee we're gonna come out of the same egg.^^ I hope we'd all be close to each other. I'm thrilled. haha I've never had a close sibling because I don't have. ^^ I feel so sad being all alone all the time.

aww, Its only five am but I'm sorry I'm already dazed. My brain wants me to sleep now *yes honey, just a sec* so uh, bye. goodmornight. sia. =]

11:10 AM | 0 comments

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Long Awaited Birthday

I can't believe that its Christmas eve right now. Its so quiet. Everyone is asleep. Everything looks normal and seems like an ordinary day. Surely its not poverty, there's been a lot of price roll backs lately. Must be more fireworks which I've longed been waited. No i don't think so. It must be me. The setback of stopping school. Somehow, i cant help but feel this is the saddest Christmas in my life. I had a few greetings, chat with old friends, and lots of food, but somehow, it just,
don't seem Christmas at all. Wonder whats wrong? I sure need to consult Him right now. He knows all.

10:37 AM | 0 comments

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Record of Strange Dream #2

i fell in love with a ghost. see, i have a friend ghost, he's not the one i fell in love with but he lives in my house, a house made of half cement and half untainted glass windows, painted very pale blue like a modern asylum, i own the house btw. we were very good friends and he teaches me the world of the souls. souls are like pets, you adopt them in your house. but then, they could be wild and do stupid things that's gonna piss you or scare you so you throw them out the house. one night, there was this lost and homeless ghost, wondering outside, i saw him from the glass half opened-window, and he definitely saw me. ghost always sees u that's what makes them really scary. what he did, he glides very quickly to the house splats blood all over the wall and the window (the blood was very think and red like there were crumbs of flesh and organs in it) boy, that really scared me off. i closed every window, every possible entry all over the house,(ghosts there cannot get through things) and then i stood inside my house, he just staring at me from the outside, his uncanny smiles sending shivers up my skin and then there came my ghost friend. he said there was nothing to worry about. he's just a lonely ghost who needs a friend. my friend ghost turned me into a ghost for a moment and we flew outside the window, flying in the night sky, not much ghosts around but the freaky ghost followed us and flew with us. we met each other and talk, i thought he was so wonderful, a hopeless romantic, i fell in love with him and all is well, not until i have to be human again because i have a lot of human responsibilities and if someone finds my body, then I'm officially dead. i was so sad at the end but we still see each other, and the love died i think. ends there.

i think its from watching the bee movie. human + bee = ridiculous.

10:05 PM | 0 comments

Record of Strange Dream #1

it wasn't my first time to dream weird stuffs of course but it was my first time to ever record them in blog. I'm an all time tragic dreamer and that might explain my behavior. heheh i remember when i was a kid, there's an old superstition that says if you had a bad dream, you should tell it to someone at least and it will not come true.
so being an only child and having old busy parents i have nothing to share my crazy dreams, (like murders, yes i used to dream of vampires murdering my family and eating our flesh. God that kept me awake for quite a long night.) so then what i do, i used to talk to the plants and our dogs or cats and tell them about my bad dreams. it was silly i just realized right now, good thing i made sure no one's around when i do that. and then there's another superstition but more like a wild guess, that dreams are the reverse of reality. i believe that sometimes, i just wished it wasn't true when i dream of avenged sevenfold having a concert around here and I'm there hanging out with them at a bar. lols

moving on, so last last night, i had two dreams that are connected. the first was, my recent state, 17, female, living in a modern city, and i was having an eye transplant. its really weird and scary but no blood i tell you, i was conscious back then, lost my other eyeball, so i have an empty socket, the doctor just injected my face w/ anesthetics and shoots the brand new eyeball in, the way you put a mouse ball inside the mouse. what intrigues me is, they all said (my parents were there) that this is my 2nd eye transplant and that i have to take care of it very well because every time i replace my eyeballs the nerves and veins there gets weary and a malfunction of it could leave me permanently blind forever. for me, never mind being cripple, or the the deaf or the mute but blind no way man. so then, my eyesight is back, i still needs to wear glasses tho because the eye i got isn't very good. wtf. haha well better that blind.
and then i live my live, fast forward, i was in the late 40's. black and white dream, i don't know maybe watching too much Tim Burton films. setting's just here in our house, still testing my old eye transplant. doing good i say. but I was a man now. and I was wearing a coat and tie suit. dunno what its called but it was very old fashioned you know the suit magicians wear or pianists? with a long tail at the fringe?
that's it. and i was wearing a big magician hot too so i looked like daddy long legs. i thought i was i was daddy long legs.
i was chatting,having a cup of coffee with a fella, a man i say, and he was dressed same as i do only he was shorter and looked older. i had no idea who that man is. all i knew is he was my sidekick.
i looked really old now there, like I'm 50 or something.
that's freaky too you know, i didn't know that being old is sad.or is it?

then suddenly, came out was my mom and dad, looking old but not too old that can hardly speak anymore. i know they were on their 80s or 90 there but they talk to me pretty much like a 60. i don't remember anything on what we're talking about when i woke up. 5am. end of the story.

9:48 PM | 0 comments

Friday, December 12, 2008

how about a little introduction.. = ]

About me.

its either ur illiterate, in a hurry or just a slacker if u dont read these stuffs and i will be really happy if u are one right now.

i'll be damned if you gonna let me bitch you for the next minutes.

ok..ok..

well, to be honest, im not good at describing myself xcept for thinking up things that im not, like trying to be other people (what appeard to be cool people) or by smoking marijuana and be doped i won't even know what i was talking abt. Like right now for example. and i like saying uhm and hmm so just stfu bcause im going to be damn honest abt myself right now. my name is Jessa and if u ever tried to write that on ur deathnote, then please yourself. *lol..me and Jack(the ripper), good friends*. yes i am vile. i am just the the exact word for vicious punk cunning vain aphrodisiac evil. i am a savage (lazy)bitch and i cant do anything abt it. and by that i meant i was kind of guilty the way i'm mean, w/c also means i could be good sometimes. SOMETIMES. =P im not a vegan bcause meat is good and human body needs it. its orgy in my mouth. lol. i mean just look at the lions and polar bears, they eat meat. my point is, meat is something human starting from your ancestors takes in for billions of years now and you should never desist it. and besides, VEGGIES HAVE LIVES TOO just cause they have cell walls u think u can hurt them. its not a sin or cruelty its just normal for creatures. but then again, I HOPE YOU DIE IF YOU EVER TRY TO EAT AN ENDANGERED SPECIES. eat poultry stuffs you dipshit. except for that pig in charlotte's web. he's cute and charlotte will definitely ressurect from death and vandalize your place w/ webs, i swear to you, you wont like it. xP so as i was saying, im pretty much the outcast of the grp, hmm someone who likes being alone- its not emo, betch. its just something that relaxaes me. i couldnt care less if u think its loser thing. is it anti-social? no idea. just so u know, i have real friends off and online. I THINK I AM NICE MOST OF THE TIME, i try to be as honest as i can, but im helluva good liar xD thats right and you know what, idc what the hell you are im going to bash ur ass if u even try to hurt people that i love. hmm, I am a dork at heart. :) you probbly notice that when we talk. i was this vain even before narcissism became a trend.well i was not that of a narcissist fyi, only to the point that i talk myself in the mirror *haha oh the compliments thank you so much*, a little smile, and sometimes, when the mirror looks clean, kiss myself in the mirror. oh God im soooo vain i dont know if its cool anymore. but one thing's sure im not a selfish vain. i would probably die to save someone's life someday. what else you needed to know, yes im a quiet a little pervert. BDSM? anyone? haha! you wish. im catholic and that ends there. Paganism and my own God comprises that xcept for Jesus. He's my coolest role model ever (i know, i know He hates me when im vile.) "i believe in my relationship with a higher being, but its hard to describe 'Him' on somebody. its obviously not an evil being, its a good being. But its also a being of free will, of beleiving in yourself."-MATT SANDERS hmm, i am bisexual and NOT EMO. if u wna know the truth. i love boys and girls. im a"i believe in my relationship with a higher being, but its hard to describe 'Him' on somebody. its obviously not an evil being, its a good being. But its also a being of free will, of beleiving in yourself."n aspiring writer too, w/ my own little story and i hope to God He gives me persistence so i could finish it before i die. my passionate dreams are to become a detective (something like a bounty hunter, crime analyst/criminologist, secret service agent) or an air force pilot, lawyer -a cool lawyer*lols, mother of two pretty and handsome smarty kids(who doesnt dream of that eh?),with Jimmy Sullivan my boyfriend. awesome. and you probably came up right now to the conclusion that you wasted your time reading someone's stupid wishful thinkings, lecture on meat, and either the result of a twenty gram doobie or my natural haywire. if u think that was interesting, let me know, we could be friends. if not then leave me alone or suffer the consequences. remmbr that i dont need u to like me bcause God will be pissed at me for being responsible for whatever happened to you.

the Loves.

the Rev is the fetish right now. heheh if u dont like him, you all can stop breathing now. AVENGED SEVENFOLD, Zacky V., NARUTO, Gaara, CABAL ONLINE, family guy,
STEWIE GRIFFIN, Marilyn Manson, Lacey Mosley, yamato Nadeshiko, death note, Elmo's world (thats a fantaaastic place i want to be there someday), Elmo of course, the Jackass guys, GORE stuffs[= , crime/csi tv shows, war movies, rain, rainy misty nights, drawings/sketches, books, world domination, being dominant-slash-pompous*lols, ice cream, sniper, assault guns, piercings, tattoos, eyeliner, hi cut shoes, tees adn tight pants, wearing the same thing everyday, isolation, gays, (haha damn those are all what 'emo' is.) and of course the basic stuffs, family, friends, pets, Nature, God, Jesus Christ, Mama Mary, Papa Joseph. i love them all soo much.

the Loathes.

lies and drama, the SCENE, MATH and the smurfin computations that traumatized my brains out in Physics when i was in High school, animal/tree/insect cruelty xcpt for cockroaches, girls thats very girly-i mean, like those girls in Laguna biatch, sweet sixteen, and so. Philippine goverment esp. the current Philippine Pres. and her "friends" (harr! you can assassinate me but you cant assasinate my profile xP) and ppol saying what's the point of saying these? damn you.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Labels: elf Jessa avenged sevenfold introduction loves loathes music

4:20 AM | 0 comments

ALIEN INFO

Blog Archives.

FOLLOW THIS BLOG