Dear Diary,

There i am again. Doped. And I'm not sure if I'm on my right mind yet. but today, today.. I've officially made up my mind about the thing I've been longing to do. I will become a Nocturnal. I don't know where this is going to lead me though. I might end up in the hospital for having ulcer or anemia, or worse, in the mental hospital for being a loony. My parents doesn't consider asylum as a resolution but I have a feeling they're close to sending me there. Auh I am so not going to sleep tonight.

This might cause me a lot of stress, friends (except for the believers. LOL. Vampire believers.) Anyway, I haven't finished Meteor garden. I started to watch it all over again because this is one of the most funniest romance I've ever seen. And there's like someone in my life who looks like Vanness Wu. haha Revin. I told him that. He wont believe me, he said F4 are way better than him. ^^ I used to fancy Vanness Wu back in the days. He's still cool today but Jerry Yan caught my heart this time. ^^ heheh dreamy girl. I just wish I was Shanchai. lol, nah she's too nice almost stupid. If I ever met F4 I'm gonna lure them into a Motel and do what you're thinking I would do. haha! kidding. You wish I'm a fucking groupie. xP I'm so glad F4 fever is over. They've become old and less attractive now. bwahaaha. Which gives me lesser competition. :P

Anyway Im still on episode 18. Darn. My parents are such nag, they just couldn't shut up while I'm watching. They said they're sleepy but they keep on rambling.

They thought I'm depriving myself of sleep and wasting electricity. They couldn't understand it at all. Could you? Nah you don't either. Electricity costs cheaper at night. ^^ From 10pm to 6am I guess. And how could they say Im depriving myself of sleep? I sleep 3am up to 1pm. Count that. That's 10 hours. fair enough, Huaze lei needs 15, thats bogus. Oh, speaking of Huaze Lei, I cant find a subbed version of the Poor prince. I love that show man. Its so funny. :P there's one time I remember, someone asked Lei while he was brushing his teeth, why is he keeping all the foams of the toothpaste and he said they're gonna use it once again. Oh my God. Thats disgusting. He's the thriftiest man I've ever seen. Its too bad I didn't get to finish watching that on TV. *sigh* Its either I wait for that to get subbed or I learn to understand mandarin. ooh that sounds exciting. ^^

Hey I'm excited about this whole Nocturnal thing. =] Let's call it, uhm, how about Twilight? Nah, no way. That word is everywhere these days. Perhaps in a few decades, maybe in 2030, it sure is going to be forgotten and will remain history. A very romantic history. By the way, how old am I going to be in 2030? must be 39 or 40. ew, thats old. I'm gonna have arthritis and rheuma and would rather wish my knees and pelvis removed. lol. ^^ I wonder if I'm still alive by then? I'm such a bad person. I heard God reaps good people earlier. I don't care right now anyway, I'm in a daze. I just wish he wouldn't take me before the time that I figure out what Life and true Love is. (yea I'm stupid i don't know what it is.) Same goes well for the time that I and someone was cherishing it. Y'know? Like if I ever have a son or daughter? Don't kill me during that time God. I don't like having a daughter though. It's gonna be a real pain in the ass. Girls are so troublesome. Son's are too but in a different way because they act normally and mostly smart. You could have proper conversations with them and not worry to much. MY GOD! I sound like a total sexist on the opposite side. what a Judas. haha. But think about it, Jesus, the image of the Christian God, Buddha, even Zeus, all of them are male. I wonder why males rule so much in this world? Mary, after all that she's been, the bridge of God and Jesus, was always one shadow away from the spotlight. I feel discriminated as a female. We're the ones having menstruation every month, bearing children, taking care of children, we have boobs too w/c are annoying and for some very heavy. lol. I kinda envy boys for being so carefree with their actions. Perhaps, its the ancient people who set this all up. They made gods male because they don't like females. I have proof you know? Don't they not allow females to vote back them? I would definitely take a rally if I had lived back then. Yea perhaps we're viewing these 'GOD' things in a different angle. like we're at the hypotenuse but were suppose to be at the congruent or adjacent y'know? Yeah. We should keep our views open, about the religions, with the exemption of Marilyn Manson and the rest of the satanic bands.

Anyway, let's go to my death part. I've always been thinking about it. I wonder how God is going to reap me? Or is there really a God? Is there really heaven, hell or purgatory? Would there be paradise? Would I live once again in other being w/ an amnesia about my life right now? Or would I become an Invisible wonderer in this world aka ghosts? hehe thats sounds cool. I could ride plane for free, travel everywhere, go to Antarctica, ride roller coaster 24/7, go inside the Lion's cage, sleep beside Jerry Yan, meet other ghosts, see people naked at the bathroom. lol. ^^ If dying would only be as cool as that. ^^

I had also thought of Reincarnation. Its cool too. But some things bothers me. Like what if I become a cockroach on my next life? God knows how I hate roaches, and he'll turn me into the very being I despise.

Maybe I should try being a good person then He'll turn me back into a human my next life, or any of more intelligent being. That's probably why He reap good souls first. And that's probably why Police are compelled to let criminals live. Right yea its on the tablet he gave to moses. Do not kill. He didn't say don't kill humans, or animals. Just stay clean. Yea what a smart guy. He's had it all planned it all a long time ago.

There's been an that lingers round my thought as well. I hate to break this to anyone, but what if we die and our soul never really leave the body? I know right? Its horrible. I'm not surprised this thought wasn't very much considered as a possibility. Yet, who knows? what if when you die, no matter how killed you're body is, like hearts' dead, brains' blown up, and skins' all burnt, what if we could still think? What if we could still feel sadness, anger? Man, I'd be scared to die. Maybe I'll stick to the Reincarnation thing. I'll try to be a better cockroach. though seriously, if would be asked what I'd like to be, I'll prefer Lions or any big cat.^^ haha. They're awesome. Being a cockroach's gonna suck. You have to live in a dirty dark hidden places, eat papers, food remains, you have to take care every time you walk out your house because of your size, even the sight of you makes people wanna kill you. What a horrible life they have, being the most disgusting creatures on earth second to porn stars. I wonder if roaches are ashamed of themselves? they must be angry at us. The ones flying around at night *shivers* are psychopaths. Kill.Kill.Kill.

My God I wont let myself be like that. If I ever become one of them, I'd try myself to encourage them, live a clean good life. I would tell them not to forage anymore at humans' stuffs. I'm going to lead them to the woods and we'll change our lifestyle. We'd be classic. Do you think they're going to follow me? haha. They might think I'm absurd. Traveling to the woods is difficult enough, changing lifestyle must be ridiculous. But no matter how, I'll try. And if one day, there at the news you see "COCKROACHES MIGRATING" then, reincarnation is true yay! Tell them, there is Jessa the cockroach trying to make a difference. lol

I wonder what would my parent name me then? I've always wanted Ville, or Rev, or Zacky. *sigh* my name's kinda annoying me, people always call me Jessa Zaragoza. wtf. She's done porn movie right? that singer? & I saw her on a calendar, She's a pin-up girl. Moving on. Hey I'm going to have sibling if ever! wee we're gonna come out of the same egg.^^ I hope we'd all be close to each other. I'm thrilled. haha I've never had a close sibling because I don't have. ^^ I feel so sad being all alone all the time.

aww, Its only five am but I'm sorry I'm already dazed. My brain wants me to sleep now *yes honey, just a sec* so uh, bye. goodmornight. sia. =]